I’m going away soon to a secluded area to spend about a week in solitude. I’ll sit in nature, watch the trees move in the wind, and just be. Living in one of the most crowded and bustling neighborhoods in Los Angeles, this is deeply needed.
Recently, there was such a movement through me. There has been a lot of doing, making, starting, getting things off the ground. There has also been an enormous sense of freedom; it all just felt like what was happening; a flow and natural movement outward into the world.
In this crazy city, if you’re not hustling to get your career going, not much can build. And the past decade or more, I’ve spent quite a lot of time and attention with the unfolding of awakening. I didn’t seek awakening…but well, that’s what happened.
So yeah…I’ve been a bit occupied with other matters.
I don’t have much of a “successful” acting or comedy career by this city’s standards, but spiritually? Well, holy shit. Who knew?
And there have been long stretches of non-doing, as deep shifts in consciousness settled and integrated. Early on, there were extended pauses as I dug deeper into the clean up work of healing, especially early on, after the initial awakening.
But recently, lots of movement. It’s been a dance of creating and doing and showing up. Jokes, jokes, jokes. Drive, drive, drive. More jokes. More driving.
And then the bottom dropped out. I got sick and continued to fight sinus infections and fatigue for several months. I had to slow down, to stop.
So in March I went away for about a week to sit in nature and to be silent and still, something my body and heart had been clamoring for. There was a deepening. A deeper descent into…who knows what might be the label…”no self”, Brahman consciousness…its descriptions fit my experience. But whatever more vast terrain this is now, it has been dawning and deepening for some time after the shift into unity consciousness/non-duality that took place several years ago.
But…something happened on that little retreat in March. A deeper knowing that what I am never happened at all. I didn’t know presence could be experienced as even more present — beyond presence — or a presence prior to presence. And yet…this. This is what’s here.
Such peace. So much peace. A deeper peace than I’d previously known.
And now all I want to do is stare at trees.
But I’ve made commitments to do comedy shows. And I’m writing a book that I keep not writing. And I have healing events and classes I’m leading.
But…the trees. They wave in the wind and I stop, awestruck by their quiet majesty.
And I know this cycle all too well after a deepening in consciousness: in time an integration — a saturation — will have penetrated even more and I’ll be moved by something; to create, to do, to share with people again. A month, a few weeks, a few years. Who knows.
It’s all perfect as it is.
I came to Hollywood seeking an agent, but what I’ve found is far more sublime. Life is unfolding as it will. The leaves beckon and my eyes land on their dance as the breeze kicks up.
Eckhart Tolle says he sat on a park bench for two years after his awakening. I feel you, Eckhart. I do.
And right now, here I am. Sitting on a park bench, promoting a comedy show on social media, about to go get groceries and put gas in the car, and pay my taxes, and be an engaged citizen of the City of Los Angeles.
But I’d rather sit and watch trees. At least for now.